Dreams in Disarray

Where do our dreams disappear? Why do they disappear? How do they disappear? And then what becomes of us once the dream is lost somewhere in the recesses of our mind? These are some of the questions that I have been asking myself lately.

I don’t think I know the correct answer to any of the above. And with the same token I don’t think there is a correct answer, or just one for that matter

Too many visions of my dreams rummage thru my mind. Some old, some new, some lost, & some found. To make sense of all of them is futile. My mind is playing out all of these like a slideshow. They are flowing out of my conscious & subconscious mind but with no direction or destination. Nothing seems constant or steady.  The only constant here is the increase in my heart beat.  And it’s showing no signs of slowing down. The heart continues to beat faster, stronger and constant. Strange, I think it is for my heart to do this.

Why tonight do these thoughts come rushing into my heart, mind & soul? I don’t know but I going to go out on a limb & say it because the soul has been feeling empty, worthless, and useless lately. My soul has always had one definitive dream. And that is wanting to do something to make a difference in this world. But how to do that has always evaded me.  The past few days have been difficult because thoughts of dreams lost keep knocking on the gates of my soul. And to perpetuate these feelings further I watched the movie “Rock On” and I kid you not all my already chaotic emotions went into over drive. I started thinking over & over again what my dreams are.

 No clarity emerges still. All my dreams are in disarray.

But, now I’m inspired to search the trenches of my soul to re ignite my dreams. And with the grace of God fulfill them. This life is just an Illusion. And the time has arrived for me to throw caution to the wind and plunge right into the depths of this illusion and fulfill my dreams.

This is not going to be easy. But, the intention has been set.  Affirmations have been made. To The universe I have proclaimed. My dreams have been set in motion. And there is No better time than NOW to change unfulfilled to fulfilled!

How the heart & soul can ache over nothing at all still continues to amaze and astound me. While the ache spreads thru the body & completely takes over every drop of blood, cell , DNA, thought, feeling, emotion, & so much more, the spiritual part of my being, the only true & pure part of me screams from some corner, warning, encouraging, biding me to surrender completely & positively to Gods will and not give in to these negative emotions, thoughts and feelings.

The spiritual part, the true part, the whole part, finally puts aside temporally the feelings that are drowning every part of me & goes & lights the dia & camphor on my alter to dissipate the negative energy that still consumes my very being & surrounding.

Part of me is ashamed to even look & lock my eyes with the divine. Ashamed? Yes, because somewhere in the recess of my soul I know I should not give in to this despair. But the mind, the conscious mind is still lost in the throes of sadness, fear and disillusion. The feeling of not knowing what to do next overcomes every part of my being. And, still somewhere there is that voice that persistent voice screaming, “Don’t give in. DONT YOU DARE GIVE UP. You are protected, you are blessed”. All this is just as it’s meant to be.” All is well”. Then a voice from the humorous part of me snickers slowly,
“Yeah Aal Izz Well” the famous line from one of my favorite movies 3 idiots!! Boy am I glad that my sense of humor was able to sneak in thru all this melancholy!! Praise be the divine! Om Namah Shiva, Om Sai Ram!

Distraction, distraction, distraction! I want to scream….no I should do my meditation. Or shall I have a drink? Wine, vodka, or scotch? Yes I have the Johnny Walker Double Black which my sister bought for me from duty free. Ok maybe a few shots of yagermister or tequila then? No wait maybe smoke some dope or a cigarette? Food? Yes! Of course some dessert, chocolate, chips. what? What can I have or do to ease this feeling of sadness, desperation & restlessness? Or then shall I meditate? Read my Shri Sai Satcharita? Watch TV, a movie, or call someone? What should I do.???? Have sex?? Ahhh but herein lays that timeless, ageless question, with whom?!! Lol!!! Alas despair everywhere!!

Meditation is what again the soul cries for.

For now I have given way to food. How do I resist being a glutton especially when karai chawal and aloo zera is made! And I will be cheating you if I didn’t tell u that I had the same for lunch too…gluttony express!!!

Now that I have penned what I’m having to ease my suffering, my mouth waters and the full tummy growls for some relief. The soul screams "hey is stuffing your face really going to help”? And my mind, the conscious mind screams back loudly YES!! Hahaha! The truth we know is that it may! Ah! But, no not really.

Dinner is here so I shall excuse myself and drown my unwarranted worries in good ole roti n karai!!! And yes, of course the after dinner smoke & yes you guessed right, dessert too!