Purest Form of Love

What do you do when you have been given the truest & purest form of love? The divine gift we spend all our lives looking for? The unconditional love we strife & fight for?

This gift made its way into my life when I was a child. No, I didn’t know at that tender age what a special gift I was given. All I knew was that I felt complete and whole when I was around it. Nothing else seemed to matter. Whenever that feeling was around me it took me to another place. The peace & serenity I felt I couldn’t understand nor explain for that matter at that time or age.

It was in January of 1999 that it hit me first and has since never left.  That pure & true feeling assaulted me again.  It came bouncing & prancing into my life all the way from Chennai,! The 2 most adorable, beautiful, black pupss I had ever laid my eyes on! My angles, SHERSHAH & SULTANA had arrived!  My world changed forever on that day. My life had a new purpose, a new direction. I knew then that what I had experienced as a child whenever I was around animals WAS the purest form of love. And I had finally met a part of my pup & soul family!

From that day onwards my life was filled with LIFE! And I was never to be alone again. God filled my life with his beauty & grace in the form of my pupss. Never has a day gone by since, that I have walked into my home and not been greeted with anything but love, affection, sheer joy & happiness from them. Never have I known anyone to be soo happy to see me!  It never matters to them how long I’ve been gone. Time is of no essences. For this love affair is not bound by time. It’s a love that goes above and beyond all else. It’s timeless and priceless in every way.

Over the years my SHER & SUL have left their bodies & moved on to a far more wondrous loving place. My darlings, SAINT, ZULU BHIA, SHADOW & BLACKIE all came into my life & taught me so much. And I will forever carry their memories with me! R.I.P!

DUTCHESS, COUNT, & MAKHAN, along with soo many more continue to grace this life of mine.  TANGO BOY, PEPPER, SHAWARMA, KAMAKI GEORGE, FALAFEL, FACEBOOK, MISCHIEF and sooo sooo many more have humbled me with their love & affection in every realm of my life. Some of them briefly & some for longer periods of time. Each & every one of them is & will continue to remain a part of my very being.  Observing & living with them, one realizes how one should treat others. These amazing creatures just give, & give & give asking for so little in return. They look at you with wonder, amazement & undying unconditional love no matter what.

My kid’s are getting older & I’m prepared for life’s next step (I hope). I’ve lost a few to know what is to come. But…. It’s never easy nor do I think one can be fully prepared for the loss. They mean everything to me. I’m incomplete without them. Each and every one of my pupss are so unique, so different, so fantastic. Words fail me yet again. How do I express & articulate how much they mean to me? Those big beautiful soulful eyes I can never get out of my heart, mind &soul.

My COUNT is sick today, & I can’t even function knowing that I only have him & the rest of my pupss with me for a short amount of time in this life. We all know that life has to end. But today its hit me like a ton of bricks. This life is so precious, so short. And we live most of it fighting life & not loving & enjoying everything & everyone we are blessed to have in it. We forget that it’s the small things in life that matter at the end & are what is valuable to us. It’s always about the big picture for most of us. And the truth is that it’s not, it never has been. Spend some time with a pup in your life in you will know what true joy & pure love is about.

All that I am today, all that I will ever be in all my lives  has been & continues to be because of the powerful love I have been blessed with from all my angels, my pupss being right there in the fore front! I am a better and whole person today because of the love, and lessons I have received from my pup family.


 I bow my head in gratitude to the Almighty for all my blessings. Especially the ones which are in the form of my pupss!

I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands.  When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat.  For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that.  ~W. Dayton Wedgefarth

Gods Heaven On Earth...GOA!!!

With gratitude and grace I bow down to my creator for giving me chance to experience heaven on earth!

So many exceptional moments I have lived and experienced in this life of mine. So many kindred spirits I have been blessed with meeting in this life of mine. I would not know where to begin and where to end if I were to recall all of the amazing days of my life and all the awe-inspiring people I have met. No! No!  Don’t worry I’m not going to burden you with those details! At least not today!!!!

 Today my heart aches so at the memories of the past 16 months of my life.

How I came about to live in Goa still astounds me. It all happened so quickly and with ease. One day I was vacationing in Goa and in the next I was living there! And now it’s time for me to bid this beautiful place adieu.

Where did the past 16 months go? It truly feels like a dream. I sit in my apartment in Goa tonight feeling overwhelmed. So many emotions are gushing inside me.  How much I need to cry surprises me. To run away and lock myself in my room and just have a good long cry. The tears I shed are not of sadness. They are of happiness and pure simple joy of my time here. Words can’t begin to express the astounding friends I met and made here. Every single one of them unique, beautiful and amazing in their own way. The wealth of knowledge, love and kindness this city and the people have given me I will forever carry and cherish.  And my time and experience here is not complete without me telling you about my wonderful Goan pup family! Some stray, some domesticated. And every single of them gentle, loving and caring. My heart swells with love and compassion as I bid them farewell for now.  And a small prayer to keep them all safe, healthy and fed.

Goa is abundant with so much. The landscape, food, culture and nature all so beautifully put together! Something for everyone awaits you in Goa. For me it was finding my peace of mind and soul.  Goa healed me in more ways than one. Not a day did I spend here in which my soul did not soar to new heights.  Goa taught me to slow down & live my life, to experience every single, tiny moment in all its glory and gore. I learned to give myself permission to feel every feeling possible. To let them all in, to live in them, learn from them and then, to let them go.

 I grew as a person in the past 16 months. My soul learned to soar and be free in God’s heaven on earth…Goa!

Dreams in Disarray

Where do our dreams disappear? Why do they disappear? How do they disappear? And then what becomes of us once the dream is lost somewhere in the recesses of our mind? These are some of the questions that I have been asking myself lately.

I don’t think I know the correct answer to any of the above. And with the same token I don’t think there is a correct answer, or just one for that matter

Too many visions of my dreams rummage thru my mind. Some old, some new, some lost, & some found. To make sense of all of them is futile. My mind is playing out all of these like a slideshow. They are flowing out of my conscious & subconscious mind but with no direction or destination. Nothing seems constant or steady.  The only constant here is the increase in my heart beat.  And it’s showing no signs of slowing down. The heart continues to beat faster, stronger and constant. Strange, I think it is for my heart to do this.

Why tonight do these thoughts come rushing into my heart, mind & soul? I don’t know but I going to go out on a limb & say it because the soul has been feeling empty, worthless, and useless lately. My soul has always had one definitive dream. And that is wanting to do something to make a difference in this world. But how to do that has always evaded me.  The past few days have been difficult because thoughts of dreams lost keep knocking on the gates of my soul. And to perpetuate these feelings further I watched the movie “Rock On” and I kid you not all my already chaotic emotions went into over drive. I started thinking over & over again what my dreams are.

 No clarity emerges still. All my dreams are in disarray.

But, now I’m inspired to search the trenches of my soul to re ignite my dreams. And with the grace of God fulfill them. This life is just an Illusion. And the time has arrived for me to throw caution to the wind and plunge right into the depths of this illusion and fulfill my dreams.

This is not going to be easy. But, the intention has been set.  Affirmations have been made. To The universe I have proclaimed. My dreams have been set in motion. And there is No better time than NOW to change unfulfilled to fulfilled!

How the heart & soul can ache over nothing at all still continues to amaze and astound me. While the ache spreads thru the body & completely takes over every drop of blood, cell , DNA, thought, feeling, emotion, & so much more, the spiritual part of my being, the only true & pure part of me screams from some corner, warning, encouraging, biding me to surrender completely & positively to Gods will and not give in to these negative emotions, thoughts and feelings.

The spiritual part, the true part, the whole part, finally puts aside temporally the feelings that are drowning every part of me & goes & lights the dia & camphor on my alter to dissipate the negative energy that still consumes my very being & surrounding.

Part of me is ashamed to even look & lock my eyes with the divine. Ashamed? Yes, because somewhere in the recess of my soul I know I should not give in to this despair. But the mind, the conscious mind is still lost in the throes of sadness, fear and disillusion. The feeling of not knowing what to do next overcomes every part of my being. And, still somewhere there is that voice that persistent voice screaming, “Don’t give in. DONT YOU DARE GIVE UP. You are protected, you are blessed”. All this is just as it’s meant to be.” All is well”. Then a voice from the humorous part of me snickers slowly,
“Yeah Aal Izz Well” the famous line from one of my favorite movies 3 idiots!! Boy am I glad that my sense of humor was able to sneak in thru all this melancholy!! Praise be the divine! Om Namah Shiva, Om Sai Ram!

Distraction, distraction, distraction! I want to scream….no I should do my meditation. Or shall I have a drink? Wine, vodka, or scotch? Yes I have the Johnny Walker Double Black which my sister bought for me from duty free. Ok maybe a few shots of yagermister or tequila then? No wait maybe smoke some dope or a cigarette? Food? Yes! Of course some dessert, chocolate, chips. what? What can I have or do to ease this feeling of sadness, desperation & restlessness? Or then shall I meditate? Read my Shri Sai Satcharita? Watch TV, a movie, or call someone? What should I do.???? Have sex?? Ahhh but herein lays that timeless, ageless question, with whom?!! Lol!!! Alas despair everywhere!!

Meditation is what again the soul cries for.

For now I have given way to food. How do I resist being a glutton especially when karai chawal and aloo zera is made! And I will be cheating you if I didn’t tell u that I had the same for lunch too…gluttony express!!!

Now that I have penned what I’m having to ease my suffering, my mouth waters and the full tummy growls for some relief. The soul screams "hey is stuffing your face really going to help”? And my mind, the conscious mind screams back loudly YES!! Hahaha! The truth we know is that it may! Ah! But, no not really.

Dinner is here so I shall excuse myself and drown my unwarranted worries in good ole roti n karai!!! And yes, of course the after dinner smoke & yes you guessed right, dessert too!